It happens. You and your ex decide to part ways. You know it’s ultimately the best decision for your life. Nonetheless, a few months later you find that you are miserable, and he’s off having the time of your life. You can’t help feeling like you made the wrong choice. You feel like God is punishing you in some way for the relationship or the breakup. You beat yourself up. You get angry at God. You get even angrier at your ex. How dare he move on so easily? How dare he enjoy life? Why in the world is God blessing him when he wasn’t perfect in the relationship? Sound familiar?
Trust me sis, you are not alone. I’ve been there. My ex and I dated for several years. We were engaged. A couple years into the relationship, I knew something was off, and I began having endless reservations about marrying him. After months of crying and praying, I finally called the engagement off. I knew it was the right choice in my heart, and I had crazy peace when I did it. But, like so many woman, I fell into the “I don’t want to be alone trap.” Even though the engagement was off and we had technically broken up, I still hadn’t completely ended the relationship. What does that mean? We were still hanging out, and still pretending as if we were in a relationship; but whenever we had a diagreement, we would both throw the “well we’re not together card.” We said we weren’t in a relationship by title, and we were just working on our friendship. In all actuality, because we were still holding onto each other, we were still in a relationship. It was a MESS.
Long story short, one day I found out that he had a girlfriend in another state, and get this…they were ENGAGED! You can imagine the thoughts that went through my head! He even married this girl on the date that we had set for our wedding. The thing is I wasn’t upset that he had moved on. I wasn’t even upset that he was getting married on our previously agreed upon wedding date. I WAS JEALOUS! Jealous that God was blessing my ex’s life, while I was so miserable and unhappy in my own life. My work life was horrible.
I was in my late 20s and single. Life was not going the way I had planned it to go. I felt like I had wasted so much of my life with this man, and it was unfair that God was allowing blessings to pour down on him, when I deserved blessings! I deserved to be getting married, not him. I deserved happiness!
It’s a dangerous place when you have a heart full of jealously, and feel like God owes you something. Jealously is a cancer that eats away at the soul. It causes you to become ungrateful for the things you have, and pushes you away from God. Proverbs 27:4 says, “Anger is cruel, and wrath is like a flood, but jealousy is even more dangerous.” I have found this scripture to be true. When I allowed jealously to creep into my heart it ate at my very being. I became a disgruntled, unhappy person. I challenged the audacity of God to bless who He saw fit to bless. Who was I to do this? Thankfully, God loved me enough to understand my frustration, and He loves you enough to understand yours.
So, how do you get over your “woe is me” state? First, let me say it’s not easy. It will take time. The saying is true, time heals all wounds. I would also like to add that Jesus heals all wounds, and when He heals, He does it COMPLETELY. Here are some tips on how to come out of your miserable state:
1. Cry. No, that’s not a typo. I’m giving you complete permission to throw a pity party, cry fest. “Sorrow is better than laughter; for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made whole.” Ecclesiastes 7:3. Cry about everything that hurt you. Cry about the mistakes you made. Cry about feeling alone. Cry about being miserable. Cry about feeling inadequate. LET IT ALL OUT. But, you can’t stay there. Now that you’ve let it all out, it’s time to put your big girl pants on and move forward.
2. Stop Stalking Your Ex on Social Media: The delete/block button is your new BFF. You will never get over someone if you keep checking their profile to see the latest happenings in their life. All this does is bring back the jealous feelings. This also means to delete him out of your phone!
3. Refuse to Let People Talk To You About What Your Ex is Doing: When my ex and I broke up, I just didn’t want to hear about him. But, I constantly had people asking me if I was okay, or asking me if I saw this or that about him. Shut those messy people down. 9 out of 10 times they aren’t concerned about your feelings. They want to see you in pain. Don’t let them get in your personal space.
4. Remind Yourself Of the Reasons Why You Ended It: We have a tendency to think about all the good things after a breakup, and get amnesia about why we ended it in the first place. There is a reason you wanted to break up with that person. Those reasons don’t magically go away because you are lonely, or you miss the person.
5. Ask God for Strength: Everyday when you wake up, ask God to give you the strength and will power to get over your ex. For my non- Christian followers, if you don't believe in God, why don't you just try saying simply, "Lord, if you are real, give me strength." God likes a challenge and I guarantee that He will begin to show you that He is real.
6. Trust That God Has Better: This may be the hardest thing to do. It’s hard to trust God when you can’t see your way. I suggest reciting Jeremiah 29: 11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
Hang in there sis. You will be better before you know it.
Cheers to a Rescued Heart,
Chavon C. Williams